Causes and lessons

Because they flew us out to Bermuda, put us up in a nice hotel, showed us the office... They told us that they have been looking for someone to fill this position for over a year... We had no reason to doubt.


Because we signed the contract we spend nearly $2000 on health certificates, notarized documents and other things that were needed to be couriered to the office for the application process to be underway.

Because the start date was November 26, we packed all of our stuff, we gave away all of our furniture and most of our belongings.... Captain Franklin let go of his beloved car, and got no money for it as we were still making payments on it.

Because they needed us to start in November we spent money on advertising our apartment, we put out a bunch of paid ads and transferred our lease to another couple, if we did not do that we would have had to pay rent until next June (that is how apartment rentals work in Quebec).

Because at the end of November the permit still has not arrived we moved in to Captain Franklin's parents basement. We squeezed all of our chattels into a tiny bedroom which quickly became piled to the ceiling with boxes with our beloved parrot (Cora Jane, the White Capped Pionus) on the only surface (dresser top) in her travel cage. It was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks at the most. They did say 2-8 weeks, right?

Because we didn't want to be too much of a burden after a couple of weeks the three of us took a winter road trip to a friends house in Ontario... a lovely trip rich in Alpaca sock shopping. Our last trip as a family as it turned out.

Because we were at the house we got to share Christmas with the family. We took all of the precautions to keep our parrot away from Captain Franklin's sisters dogs, we kept her in a closed room on a different floor from the festivities. Unfortunately, when we were in the middle of opening presents, the commotion caused Cora Jane to call out for us, we did not hear her with our mediocre human ears, but the huge dog heard her. He ran down the stairs and threw his whole weight at the door which unlatched under pressure, he then grabbed her in his huge jaws and fetched her upstairs. I looked up just in time to see her last thrash before she died of freight in his maw. Did he mean to kill her? Probably not, there were no visible injuries on her and if he wanted to eat her he would have done it downstairs. Sadly, our Christmas ended in a funeral of our baby... I do wish I had a chance for one more kiss, one more pet or one more cuddle with her... I spent the day speaking with my family overseas never dreaming it was my last day with her... I had her for nearly 20 years and never knew how many times a day I thought of her until she was gone.

Because I was devastated with the loss of my baby I was pretty much catatonic for the next few weeks, I spent a lot of time in bed, crying... Captain Franklin was an amazing support holding me and never letting me cry alone, the experience brought us closer despite of the deep pain we both felt.

Because they told us we passed all of the tests and the only thing we needed was one more signature mid January, we did not worry too much about Bermuda, it was going to happen soon... of course being a burden to Captain Franklin's parents was weighing heavily on me but I could not fathom staying with friends in my depressed state of being.

Because mid February we were told all of the pieces were in place and it was just a matter of time we stayed on for one more week... one more week....

Sadly, all of this sacrifice turned out to be for nothing. On February 21 we were told that despite everything our application was denied. In the spirit of giving jobs to the local population the Bermuda government decided that the company should hire someone just out of school to manage their systems engineering department and solve the server issues that no one there could solve... It was just a matter of training they said...

Personally I think it would make more sense to have them hire both Captain Franklin and the young guy, give him three years to learn everything he knew and then let us go on our way... alas, it was not my decision and no one asked me.

Lessons learned? Well yes....

We used to be three, now we are two... that was a huge one for me. How do I learn to live without my little sidekick... biologically she still had at least 10 more years of life before her, yet she left us too soon. Still breaks my heart every time I think of her, but day by day I am learning to live without her.

Letting go of all of my possessions was pretty easy... I distilled my belongings to just those things I like most. The things I let go of probably did not bring me joy... of course now we have to look for a place to live and have no bed, no dresser, no computer chairs or desks... we will see how that works out...

Living in a tiny bedroom packed to the ceiling with the leftover possessions for three months was an experience. It brought us closer together and allowed us to identify what we really love about life... after all when you are left with almost nothing it is really easy to see what you miss.

Striving to please the parents, and failing, and trying and facing my abandonment wound left there by my own father was a huge lesson. I really tried to be loved, to be appreciated, yet it was not the goal of the exercise. I know it was just my ego which wanted praise and recognition and not from the Mother, I wanted to heal that Father wound... I now know it is up to ME to heal my own wounds.

Facing success or lack thereof was another huge takeaway. Am I a loser if I live in the parental basement despite being in my 40's? While we were waiting for Bermuda there was a reason for it, but now? I am living in the parents basement without a good reason to be here... Does this constitute failure at life on my part? Or being victim to circumstances beyond my control? Does comparison to the success or failure of others serve me? Would it be better to just live my life without worrying about how it looks to the outside world? What about Captain Franklin, unemployed, in a wintry, icebound village in rural Quebec living in his Mother's basement... how should he feel about it?

I exaggerate... we have not been destitute or house bound in the last three months. We found a delightful new Indian restaurant.... owned by a lovely family. We found a mountain spring with beautifully fresh water where we can drive and fill our bottles to drink throughout the week. We found a deeper love and understanding in our relationship. We are blessed....