Shyness is an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others. Shyness can mean feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, nervous, bashful, timid, or insecure. People who feel shy sometimes notice physical sensations like blushing or feeling speechless, shaky, or breathless.
The curious thing about our modern society is that shyness can be much more prevalent than most of us can ever imagine. Only about 7% of Americans surveyed indicate that they have never experienced shyness in their entire life (Zimbardo, 1977). Even though, or perhaps because, our society puts so much emphasis on being self-confident and carrying oneself with ease, most of us experience shyness in certain situations. Yes, that means that Joe who was so entertaining at the last barbecue and Jill who always has a witty remark at the end of her tongue also experience shyness in certain situations. They are just a little more practiced at experiencing the results, breathing through them and setting them aside in order to appear comfortable and at ease when they choose to. It also means that when a comment or a witty remark enter their mind they are better at setting the self-questioning aside and steping into the risk of sharing themselves with others.
According to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute, shyness has three components:
- Excessive Self-Consciousness – you tend to believe that others pay attention to your every move and evaluate it. The truth is that most people are either benevolent towards others (so they would never judge you harshly) or excessively self-absorbed where they are so worried about how their next remark will be received that they have no time to evaluate yours. People who do scrutinize others are those who experience such harsh self-criticism that it spills out onto those around them.
- Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively. Every situation, relationship or even conversation is like a multifaceted gem – you can evaluate it from many different directions obtaining varied results. Every evaluation will be based on the inherent beliefs of the evaluator – if you sport a negative self-image your self-evaluations will stem from that and as a result you will only see that one facet of the gem. Thus, even a conversation that was helpful and valuable to the other person in your mind can seem as stupid and shallow. If you can allow that both the perspectives are possible you will broaden the possible evaluation window seeing more than the narrow picture you are used to seeing.
- Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people. You think that the things you say have to be phrased “correctly” and delivered in just the right way. Remembering that people are statistically less likely to hang on your every word and more likely to use your statements as the background to the picture they are trying to convey will allow you to relax a little. Likely something in between is true in most interactions. Sometimes once you think on all the possibilities in a situation that presents a challenge suddenly anticipating THE way you will be received becomes a little less daunting.
If you challenge your own irrational belief system (e.g., Nobody at the party will find me interesting.) with presenting the opposite possibility (e.g., Everyone at the party will find me fascinating.) and perhaps a couple of options in between, you will discover that your ego is suddenly confused and no longer attached to the usual statement of “Nobody at the party will find me interesting.”
People are more likely to feel shy when they're not sure how to act, what will happen, how others will react, or when all eyes are on them. People are less likely to feel shy in situations where they know what to expect, feel sure of what to do or say, or are among familiar people. When people feel shy, they might hesitate to say or do something because they're feeling unsure of themselves and they're not ready to be noticed.
Sadly shyness is a self perpetuating state. Once you convince yourself that you are shy it is very easy to step into all of the shyness habits. The longer you play the game the more you convince yourself and others of your own shyness. There are situations where being shy serves better than jumping into things without thinking. There are also situations where donning self-confidence like Joseph’s multicolour coat will serve best.
He who gives up shyness in monetary dealings, in acquiring knowledge, in eating and in business, becomes happy. Chanakya
I have experienced my share of shyness in life.
Most of the time I am able to acknowledge those feelings and proceed from my self confident, extroverted persona. This comes from years of conscious practice. The one thing that I find frustrating about my shy friends is that through the shield of shyness their vibrant personality cannot shine. During summer barbecues and other social events we count on everyone to contribute. Often a joke or a conversation is enriched by those who contribute and those who choose to stay silent fail to add to the mutual enjoyment and rob all of us from experiencing and weaving their particular colour into our evening. Each person’s contribution is unique and valuable and I wish that you would all recognize our own power of contribution to our society and share the gift of your perspective.
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